Out of all misery...

Have you ever experienced a moment where your brain gave orders your body would refuse to follow? Wait. It begins a long time before that.

I remember getting more and more astonished looks because I had started asking for, even demanding more definite decisions, and solutions, too. I could not bear it any longer that not even the simple things in life, the obvious ones, were to be ticked off and settled.

Then I just functioned for a while, out of habit I suppose, and it felt like diving without knowing when to be able to breath in again.
After a while I convinced myself, that nothing really mattered, and that especially I myself would not be able to make an impact, whatever I tried.
As soon as my brain had manifested that idea, there was an answer. So why do anything at all, my system replied. And it shut down.

The symptoms could only be physical, I thought, because I could hardly be a person for a psychological disorder. I am outspoken, energetic, humorous, and very emotional. Depression is an illness that obviously does not affect me. Since this is one of at least ten myths about mental health problems, I walked right into dyspnea, anxiety, and panic attacks. To me, they were nothing but the actual collapse of my organs.

When I really dealt with my problems, I had to learn and understand that it was a real illness after all I was facing, even if not physical, and that it was no use to get a grip, or a move on. I also realised that my condition was no one's fault, and that there was still a way to recover - if I found it. Talking about not being able to take pressure!

Despite all the terrors and fears, I had to find a meaning in life, so often talked and joked about, and so little understood. The ultimate question, and 42 will just not do, at all times.

We do have a few desperate options to cope with this question, such as religious faith, or drugs, or political extremism, which might be all the same thing, if you think it through to the end.

So in the end, there is one question you torture yourself with, constantly - and this is beyond, even despite having success, and love, and family and friends: "Is this all?"

So this is the truth, once and for all: We are lost. A vast universe, and all we really know is that we are lost. So therefore, all we really have in life is life itself, and if it is taken, than there is nothing.
This implies a massive responsibility for life, every life, and for ourselves.

We can only cope with life as long as we endure these facts. And we will have to do that in our own way.



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